7aki Fadi

They say you look you don’t see it is so right, but if you don’t look you don’t see also…….Weird I thought it’s one or the other? Then it has to be look but don’t let anyone see….I guess…

Sadness, frustration and finally giving up, but on what?

Does it have to be life itself?
Or simply high standards?
I can’t …

Broken dreams..

You know what? It’s always the wrong person at the right time or the right person at the wrong time..

DON’T SPEAK…
That’s my problem…I’m a blabber mouth.

I misunderstand, or am I misunderstood?
Both ways, I’m sad.

Is my soul being sucked out of my body, emptying my heart?
a void stands there now, if you talk to it, you will only hear the echo of your voice.
What to do?
Should you resign from talking to it?
Actually I’m not asking you a question; I am stating a fact….

Vacuum is abusing me, it’s sucking the life out of me, atom by atom..

I’m sad.

Can you fill a void?
Make it blossom with beautiful flowers, a garden that smells so heavenly.
I have the seeds; it’s the water I lack…
…..The butterflies are dying…..
No they are getting old
Living more than they should, more than they’re supposed to
To live one day in heaven.
But they are getting really really old
They are crying,
My heart is so heavy; it’s bleeding tears of butterflies…
It’s so strong, it’s chocking me, I can’t breath.
I will burn you

I am so sad….

Is it wrong to ask why?
Is it wrong to hate fate?
Is it wrong to lose hope?

I have tow brains, one in my head the other in my heart.
I want to stab my brain.

Am I one person with two heads or two people with one body?
I can call myself the wrong person at the wrong time..
I feel as if my soul is cramped up in my heart.

I’m so sad….

You know what…I need a rock to fill the void not flowers

-Dated May 10, 2000

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Just keep me posted if I feel better
Keep me posted if I will start tasting again
Keep me posted if I start seeing again
if I smile from within
if I feel ….But how if you don’t know how I feel?
Can you teach me how to be a better person?
Can you teach me how not to betray humans?
I feel helpless and sad, bored,
there is no meaning to everything around me,
it’s all just dim and looks weird.
Can you teach me to have a stronger will?
I have been forwarded and suddenly paused, with none than those hands of mine.
I hate my hands, I hate my brains, I hate myself
Today I was watching something on TV and I want to be unreal for a while , live in a different persons body .
My stomach is full but with no food in it.
I am writing now but not a single muscle in my body is moving but those fingers planted on my hand that I hate.

My eyes are gazing away , I feel numb and empty.
The world is a demanding place isn’t it?
My back is tired so I am curled on my seat and my hands rest next to my feet, but still not a single muscle is moving.

If you don’t move for a long period and all of sudden you wanted to, will you still remember how?

I wonder…

-I found this while leafing through my old diary dated 8/21/2000, sorry for the deppressing post. I just wish I can come out of my skin. I need a break.

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