Overheard at the Office: Birthdays and Butter Chicken

7aki: The case of the deadly butter Chicken

Bob:  Hahahahaha – Are you gonna read it?

7aki:  If you buy it I will borrow it from you.

Bob:  I thought you might get it for me – for my birthday.

7aki:  Which is in April.

Bob:  Awwww you remembered – the month. Bonus Bob points if you know the date.

7aki:  The 20th?  Or the 14th

Bob:  No bonus points for you. I know Mar 2 is someone’s birthday

7aki:  You have it in your Iphone.  The 19th? Was I even close?

Bob:

Capture

7aki:  HAHAHAHA.   But Awwww, what a cute baby.   The 12th?

Bob:  Just so that l’m clear on where l my relative importance ranking, please tell me you know  Ambigous Help Desk dudes Birthday? office loud mouth? Burper?

7aki:  When the f**k is your birthday.

Bob:  I should just adopt the day you thought was my birthday as my birthday. I’m now doubting my own birthdate.

Capture

7aki:  I said 14th the first time! That was really close, and then I said the 12th??? So I knew it was between the 10th and the 20th.

Capture

Bob:  Hahahahaha…. close enough from you is the equivalent of I love you from most people. I’ll take that.

Overheard at the Office: The One Percent.

Capture

Bob:  The 7aki’s are part of the 1 percent

7aki: Holllaaaaaaa.  But why does the 99 percent go on more vacations?

Bob: Two reasons:

1-      To escape a horrible day to day life

2-      They don’t have jobs that have responsibility

7aki:  So if you have more money you have less time to enjoy it. SOOOOOO IRONIC! Best case scenario, Baba 7aki makes lots of money and I quit my job to enjoy it!

Bob:  I think you have the answer!!!  I don’t want to work.

7aki:  Your lucky wife is not working.

Bob:  My wife does it all…but that is the problem. Trying to have it all, makes it stressful. Even my mother has told me to tell her to relax – cuz she will die early and leave me a widower.

7aki:  A widower to marry someone younger Aaaahahahahahahahahahha.

Bob:  Hahahahaha…. l should take out a bigger insurance policy!  Is there anything sacred that WE won’t joke about?

Overheard While Fundraising

 

Little 7aki has a magazine sale fundraiser at her school. 7aki emailed all the friends and family to buy a magazine.

——————————————-

7aki: Buy a magazine or !!!!! LOL.

 Bob: I got the email last night. I promise to buy something – anything to help a high income school district generate even more money.

 7aki: You need to buy something today; it’s the deadline, so Little 7aki can get a useless gift. In true 7aki fashion I waited to send this in the last minute, little 7aki is not thrilled with me. I told her, I will take her to the dollar store and buy her that stupid eye that lights up.

 Bob: Seriously today or is this a sales pressure tactic? Do l have until midnight?

 7aki: You have until midnight.

 Bob: Why don’t you just buy $1000 worth of magazine…then gift them to everyone for birthdays and Christmas. Little 7aki gets her useless toy – and you don’t have to buy presents.

HAHAHAHA – take little 7aki to the dollar store. You are raising them right (in all seriousness)

 7aki: It’s so funny how kids want the stupidest things. If she sells one magazine she gets a wrist band, that is useless. If she sells three she gets both the wrist band and the eye that lights up, which is also useless. And if she sells 6 she gets all of the above and a water bottle.

So you have to sell 300 dollars’ worth of magazines to get useless gifts worth 5 dollars! LOL. SHOOT ME NOW.

 Bob: Tell me about it…we went to the open house and the school was selling stuff to raise money. I ended spending $10 – on a crappy school hat and a cheap ass band. Right now they are raising money through a dance-a-thon. It’s an endless pit.

 7aki: We have a dance-a-thon, a magazine sale, a school fair, a summer BBQ and hoola-hoop-a-thon PLUS the scholastic rape.

 Bob: HAHAHAHAHA – scholastic rape.

So true – every month. Actually it’s like scholastic PMS.

 7aki: HAHAHA scholastic PMS. SOOOO FUNNY!!!!

1 day later ….

 Bob: Okay – l checked out the prices.  It will be cheaper if l just buy little 7aki a Swarovski bead bracelet!

 7aki: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I’d Rather Be Poor

Bob: Its only 9:36 AM and wifey just called me from a store and wants to buy 2 patio lounge chairs. $120 Dollars . done .

7aki: Hahahaha

Bob: Who the eff goes to the store this early. The staff are probably saying what the eff!

7aki : She’s on a mission. You should buy that BMW you always wanted before your wife spends all your money.

Bob: You are right!

After a short pause..

Bob: Also, we have a complete patio set. We don’t need more shit!

7aki: You know what you should do? For every amount she spends on shit you don’t need take an equal amount and put it in a savings acount; call it “car fund”.

After another short pause..

7aki:  But, why don’t you just say: NO, don’t buy it.

Bob: Then l have to deal with an unhappy person; I’d rather be poor.

7aki: Words of wisdom my friend; the shit you say needs to be quoted somewhere!

Double Douchy

(A guest post by Bob)

I hate my job so much that l’d rather spend time detailing inane conversations l have….

Sunday night, wife and l are at the park sitting on the bench watching the kids play. My cellphone rings and l quickly take a look at the call display and promptly put it back in my pocket – deciding not to answer the call. It was from a friend that l can only talk with if I’m drunk or in extremely great mood – cuz the conversation is always me, me and some more me.

Wife says to me aren’t you gonna answer the call?

I say “Not really in the mood”

Wife responds ‘Not answering calls is the douchiest (is this even a word?) thing l know that you do. If someone has taken the time to call, why don’t you just answer?”

So l tell her, “You got this all wrong, the telephone is for my convenience, not the callers. I pay extra each month for the convenience of call display so l can filter.”

Wife says ‘I still think its douchy. In fact your reasoning is douchy. So its double douchy. So what do you think you do is considered douchy?”

So before l responded, l thought of all the real douchy things l do but couldn’t tell her….

- getting text from wife saying how much she misses me and then responding likewise (but l wasn’t)

- getting text from wife saying ‘Thinking of you’ and then responding likewise (but I wasn’t thinking of her at that moment)

- I think l’m superior cuz l watch more intellectual movies and read deeper books than her

I thoughtfully considered my options and l went for the funny response. I said ‘The douchiest thing l do is l clean vagina! ‘

I thought it was funny but she didn’t. So l quickly came up with another answer that l thought would result in the least amount of person injury.

“I avoid coworkers on their last day to avoid awkward goodbyes”

She says ‘That is douchy”

So, what douchy things do you do?

 

Overheard on Monday

7aki: I hate Monday.

Bob: Monday is an ass.

7aki: Eff Monday.

Bob: Monday should be shot.

7aki: Monday should be stabbed with a pencil.

Bob: I spit on Monday.

7aki: (Tottaly unbloggable, no seriously).

Bob: Monday is a whore ( HAHAHAHAHA, That’s too funny!).

7aki: You know who I want to stab? The music guy at Union station who plays the steel drum. ANNOYING.

Bob: I am sure the music guy wants to be stabbed.

7aki: I want to BOMB Monday. You know who else I want to stab? The weather guy, he said it’s going to be cold but it’s not and I have a light jacket on.

Bob: Monday traffic should be bleeeeep (totally unbloggable).

7aki: I just got into work and I want to stab (a co-worker who is annoying as hell, his indecision is just debilitating).

Bob: You’ll have to wait till 11 when he get’s in, lazy MOFO.

7aki: Monday is a bastard.

______________________________________________________________________

7aki note: My apologies to asses, whores and bastards, you are totally better than Mondays.

 

Touché

7aki: Life is a bitch.

Bob: Life wouldn’t be such a bitch if you come up here for lunch. (Up here is really far from where 7aki works)

7aki: How about we meet half way? Name that song.

Bob: Black eyed peas.

Uptown girl you’re So far away so we’ll Meet you in the middle (name those songs)!

When can you make it?

Monday Monday
Ruby Tuesday
Wednesday (couldn’t think of a song)
Thursday (couldn’t think of a song)
Freaky Friday

Can you tell I’m bored.

7aki: Billy Joel and Tyler Kyte?

Lisa Loeb – Tails – Waiting for Wednesday
Lotus – Beautiful Day – Six Weeks Till Wednesday
Jimmy Eat World – Jimmy Eat World – Wednesday
Tori Amos – Scarlet’s Walk – Wednesday

David Bowie – Hours – Thursday’s Child
Rollins Band – Come In And Burn – Thursday Afternoon

Also

Sunday Bloody Sunday
Come Monday
Tuesdays Gone
Friday I’m in Love
Saturday Nights All Right for Fighting

What about the new Friday Firday song? So popular, and the singer is a sister of yours :p

I am more bored than you man.

Bob: LOL – I don’t think Friday Friday girl is a sister – I think she is Latino
I think l’m bored more. I am bored about being bored.

7aki: I am so bored of listening to you say how you are bored about being bored. LOL

Bob: You win.
Now I’m officially bored to death.

7aki: Well I died of boredom and was brought back to life; that experience was boring.

Bob: I listened to one of Stan’s (name changed to protect the innocent) stories recapping an episode from old British sci-fi series that no one in north America has heard of.

7aki: I heard you talking about listening to one of Stan’s stories recapping an episode from old British sci-fi series that no one in north America has heard of and that bored me even more

Bob: You win again. But l’m too bored to care.

7aki: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Touché

I am so bored I looked up the word in Wiki

 

The End

(This post was written by the Bob man, comments in bold by 7aki)

7aki has left us for a new job. She has decided that she would rather get paid more and go where her talents will be appreciated then stay here with her friends. Apparently our unconditional love and affection for her and our hatred for all other things was not enough enticement. So l want to wish her good luck and hopefully she will either screw up royally and will return back to her job with us OR she will be successful and build her empire and hire me.
Since 7aki is incapable of maintaining friendships, l have compiled a “7aki By Number index’ to remember her time with us- and they were good times!! I will miss you friend.

903 – number of lunches shared with 7aki
375 – number of times Bob wasn’t hungry at lunch (That’s why Bob is a liiiittle bit chubby :p)
700 – number of times we had to validate William for lunch
$7500 – amount spend on lunches with 7aki (Bob, I want my money back)
4 – number of movies seen with 7aki
0 – number of those movies that were chick flicks (that’s why we love 7aki)
8 – terabytes of movies downloaded and viewed by 7aki in her fortress of solitude aka basement
1 – number of times William was referred to as a nerd in a 7aki blog
6- number of months William was upset about being referred to as a nerd
$15 – amount of money won by 7aki in poker games by stealing from William
357 – number of times 7aki called me a MOFO ( Bob, you are a MOFO , make that 358)
2 – number of times we have said goodbye to 7aki
1 – number of times we have said goodbye to Bob
0 – number of times we have said goodbye to William
1 – pairs of smokin red shoes
15 – number of ways 7aki has asked me to kill her
1 – number of times 7aki has gone lingerie shopping with her team lead ( I cannot BELIEVE you still talk about this, let it go MOFO,  359)
1 – number of times Bob has fixed a coworkers toilet (hahahahaha, I can’t believe you did this)
1,208 – number of times William has offered directions and/or help to the general public
221 books read by 7aki..btw based on my calculations 7aki would need 12 hour commute daily to consume this much literature
95% – the percentage of all media content (includes books, TV, movies, music, dead sea scrolls etc) in the world that William has consumed ( dead sea scrolls. bwaaaaaahahahahaha, funny Bob, funny!)
0.01% – percentage of all medial consumed by William that is useful (unless your playing trivial pursuit at the Pub) ( that is soooo true! Hahahahahaha)
3 – number of personal items on 7aki desk
221 – number of personal items on Williams desk
0 – number of personal items on Bob’s desk
5 – number of people asked to smell the urine of one of our coworkers (Ew , Bob maybe I should bog about this coworker)
0 – the number of people that actually took up the offer (one of the people asked was our manager, LOL)
210 – favourite number of 7aki
SO4 – Least favourite number of 7aki (MOFO bib bib)
67 – number of months 7aki pirated TV channels
10 – number of months of 7aki paid for TV channels
587 – number of trips to the A$$ food court
150 – number of trips to an A$$ food court with no lighting (remember butt crack guy?)
250 – number of unread emails in William’s INBOX pertaining to lunch plans sent by 7aki ( Remember Bob when William got so upset one time because of the CRAZY number of emails and threatened to un-friend us, IN REAL LIFE)
19- number of ethnic groups that have been by disparaged 7aki (it’s just i hate ALL people equally)
19 – number of ethnic groups that 7aki knows of.
2 – number of hours doing real work on an average day
3 – number of hours internet surfing and blogging on an average day
1 – number of hours spent for lunch on an average day
1 – number of hours spent on coffee, pee and Bob breaks on an average day
$16,200- commuting cost to work for the past 5 years (MOFO transit)
15 days – amount of days it takes for the 7aki family to earn $16,200 (um, no, that’s what YOU MAKE Bob, NET, LOL)
340 – number of times 7aki felt bad because she didn’t feel bad (I just don’t feel bad sometimes when I SHOULD feel bad!!)
12- number of months off work due to pregnancy
30 – number of days actually spent caring for the little 7aki (mama 7aki arrived) (hahahaha,biddi mama)
1,386,789,958 – number of GI-NORMOUS HORSE STABLES possessed by 7aki
0 – number of horseshoes possessed by William (7aram William)
1 – rank of William in the office on most likely to go postal (out of 15 when excluding bombing) (Bob, you are soooooo racist!)
1 – rank of 7aki in the office on mostly likely to go postal (out of 15 when including bombing) (RACIST!!)
4 – number of 7aki’s family members that know that 7aki owns a Christmas tree (I wish I did, but I don’t :p )
3 – number of blood diamonds on 7aki’s finger
22 – number of African kids who helped mine those blood diamonds
3 – number of staff to support the 7aki household
0 – number of staff that 7aki knows their first name (I do too know their names)
2002 – the year in which 7aki’s current cell phone was manufactured ( There is a small tiny rumor that I will be getting a blackberry)
2001 – last year in which 7aki actually worked (shut up, if you don’t do anything it does not mean I don’t, MOFO 360 )
A billion Trillion – number of days it will take Bob to accept 7aki’s departure ( :,(  )

Other miscellaneous things that l cannot put a number to but are part of 7aki’s time here:
– V (I want to punch in the face)
– Z (Whatz iz thiszzzzzz)
– Shrimp (shrimp who?)
– Joe Black (anti life)
– Topper (topper yelled at Joe Black and V)
– Aviator
– Mean girls
– That’s what she said
– Cougar
– Brothers
– Sisters
– Plain Jane
– Michael Cuss
– Can l borrow $1000? (Mofo Bib bib)
– WTF
– Urgent
– I’m sooooooo excited (You are just jealous)
– A$$ food court
– Zellars Sheppard Pie
– Sanjay
– Jai (much cooler)
– Nacho Grande (hahahaha, totally forgot about that!)
– Hottie
– Landscape Rock
– Bssh
– Fit-teen Fity-five
– Amistad
– Green Golf Shirt
– Lovitz
– MOFO BIB-BIB (that MOFO bib – bib is KILLING ME)
– 
– Bee
– Water Club
– Zhang (hey, there is a new Zhang)
– Moobs
– BMD
– Typhoid Mary
– BMW
– Peaking (you peaked when you were born, LOL)
– Douche bag

————————————————————————

Is this like the longest post ever?

Who’s Funnier?

Me: Check this out it is soooooo funny! http://thebloggess.com/?p=7306

Bob: Funny stuff.
Your ‘un-review‘ post is funny as well.
Who is funnier? You or 7aki?

Me: You tell me.

Bob: I like them both.
7aki is just a family friendly version of you.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAZ.

————————————————————–

You got it from the source.

My Little Buddha

I sent Bob a picture of peanut, who by the way I am calling little  Buddha from now on because, seriously, she has a Buddha belly that Buddha would be jealous of, JEALOUS I tell ya. So peanut calls her belly boody because she can’t say Buddha.  Fa3eeeeeeees.

OK, end of tangent 1.

This is the exchange that went between Bob and I after he saw my little Buddha’s picture.

Bob: OMGZ….very cutez….totally baby Baba 7akiz.
I can’t believe you gave birth to little Buddha.
It is little Buddha?

Tangent 2 : Bob and I append a Z after everything now, it is soooooooooooo funny. Seriously immature and lame but for some reason it amuses us to no end and CRACKS ME UP. Try is sometime.

7aki: Yes, it is little Buddha.
According to my Mom she is my twin

Bob: Really? I don’t see it..I see 100% Baba 7aki.
Your moms in denial.

7aki: You know how it is, the grandparents try to always claim that it’s THEIR genes that have been passed on not the ENEMY’S genes.

Unless the kid is ugly or there’s something wrong with them, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Bob: Too funny…I have to tell this to my parents.

And this concludes today’s session of 7aki Fadi

EW..An exchange at 7aki’s office

I am not sure if you remember one of our coworkers that goes by the name Alex , click the link, he is featured in exchange 2 but just to recap he is known to be the cheapest man alive. Oh and he’s kinda dirty too.

Bob: I forgot to tell you the best Alex story…..
The other day he was wearing only shorts in the morning so l asked him if wearing shorts was appropriate (only joking). His response…”I forgot my pants at home”.  That is right up there if his excuse ” I forgot my computer at home” (Yes he once showed up to work and he had forgotten his laptop at home. OMG HAHAHAHAHA).

Anyways, he goes down to MEXX and buys a pair of pants to wear at work.  l’m surprised he would buy at MEXX – because its expensive.  Later in the day, after wearing the pants all day, he put them back in the bag and l don’t know for sure, but l think he was returning them.

Just amazing. And l still hate you.

7aki: OMFG. Imagine who is going to wear the pants after him if he returned them…ewwwwwwwwww.

Bob: The kicker….He rides his bike…so he gets very sweaty.
Still hate you.

7aki: But I love you.

Bob hates me because I am leaving him/work for a whole year to take care of peanut and whenever I get the opportunity I rub it in his face and tell him, “haha, sucks to be yooooooouuuuuuu”.

Bob wishes he was pregnant too. What men would do for a year off.

Yesterday I finalized my paper work and my last day at work? Sept 1st, wooooohoooooooooooo.

Gosh I love Canada, Will be off and get paid for a whole year. LOVE IT.

Cat-astrophe

** A contribution by Bob**

Topper didn’t come to work today because………..<spinning the wheel of excuses, where she stops nobody knows>……. “Her cat had to have emergency surgery”

The amazing part was nobody knew she had a cat. And Topper talks non-stop about herself so its strange this cat has never come up in conversation. Also, Topper never mentions the cat by name.

Topper update: Senior management has been so thoroughly impressed by Topper’s work, that Topper has been given the responsibility of managing the organization’s biggest and most expensive project.

Accidental Adultery

**Guest post by Bob** 

My wife and l were at a house party. There was food and drink and many people. The people were mostly my neighbours and all of them were couples. We got to the party around 9:00pm and l clung to my wife, so l wouldn’t have to have any meaningful conversation with other people. How many times can you talk about the weather or listen to stories about their wonderful spouse and wonderful kids and wonderful house and wonderful jobs and etc etc. I successfully managed to avoid people for a whole hour, when my wife had to go back home because our daughter woke up and won’t go back to sleep.

So my wife leaves and l’m left alone to fend for myself. I evaluate the party environment. There were at least 5 different conversation groups going on at the time – all chatting about how wonderful things were – so none that l wanted to get involved with. So l head to the bar to get a drink. As l’m getting a drink, the Neighbour lady says in a whispery voice: “Bob, can you please pour me a glass of white wine”. I oblige. I pour the neighbour lady a glass of wine. As l’m handing her the glass of wine, someone bumps me, and some wine spills over onto my fingers.
Neighbour lady says, “Waste not want not.” Then proceeds to take my fingers and put them in her mouth. The wine is expertly removed from my fingers and neighbour lady say ‘Thanks Bob” and leaves.

I was like ‘What just happened?” I think l stared at my fingers for a few seconds hoping they would reveal some answers – but none were forthcoming.

You Got Very Important Mail

(A contribution by Bob )

Topper (see earlier 7aki posts) is a topic of conversation for many reasons:

1. For being a topper (anything you can do she has done better)
2. Excuses for not showing up to work (“Would you believe . . .”)
3. Less than 55% attendence record (and dropping!)
4. Generosity (continually keeps a communal candy bowl full, takes her “favourites” out for dinner, etc.)
5. High salary (it would make you sick)
6. Job responsibility etc (we used to know, but now it’s a mystery)

But today, Topper surprised us. We had a meeting where all senior management was attending, but Topper did not come to the meeting. Toppers’s excuse: ‘I’m waiting for an email”.

The entire management team was at the meeting – so we know Topper is not waiting for an email from any member of the senior management team.

We have already established that we do not know what Topper actually does on our team (point #6 above). Topper is rarely present at work (see point #3 above) and has tons of excuses (see point #2 above) but now Topper is not here when she is here . . .

So I’m asking 7aki readers, what email could Topper be waiting for?

By the way (for all of you who have asked or wondered): yes, a substantial amount of work does get done at our place of business, much of it coordinated and carried out by Bob, William and 7aki. We just need a place to vent our frustrations over some of what goes on, and this is that place. If we didn’t have this outlet, you might be hearing about it on the evening news instead . . .

The Beginning of the end . . .

(A contribution by Bob)

7aki Fadi is now off the grid and is probably sipping a few adult beverages, soaking in the sun and regretting that she has left William and I in charge. I need to blog something because 7aki Fadi (crazie bssh!!) will declare a fatwa on me, if l don’t, so here are some random musings:

Laugh Track
There is a guy at work that ends all his sentences with a laugh. You can have a conversation with this guy on any topic (death, famine, poverty etc) and he will laugh at the end of each sentence he speaks. Its usually a short nervous laugh but a laugh nonetheless. I’m thinking we should have a contest at work to see who CANNOT make him laugh. I bet no one would win. Sample dialogue:

Laugh guy: Hi Bob…hahahahaha
Bob: Hey, hows it going?
Laugh guy: I’m doing good…hahahaha. I saw “Leaving Las Vegas” on the weekend…hahahah. It was sad…hahahaha
Bob: Wasn’t that a depressing movie?
Laugh guy: Yeah it was….hahaha. Did l give the impression it wasn’t…hahaha
Bob: No.

Door-man
I was walk into the building at work, when l had the usual dilemma: Is the person behind me far back enough that l’m not expected to hold the door or are they close enough that l have to wait? I never know what to do. l’m probably the only person in the world who stress level increases when they see a door. I now find myself speed walking to the door so that l have created enough distance, and l don’t feel guiltu about not holding the door.

Keeping minutes losing hours
On the minutes a recent meeting l attended, I noticed that my name appeared second-last in the list of attendees. The list of attendees wasn’t alphabetical, by height or by any other discernible measure. That means that the person typing the minutes consciously thought of me second last. Why does that bother me? And should I feel superior to the person who was last?

Perception is nine tenths of the law
Last Satuday was beautiful. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and l was relaxing on the couch. In my wife’s eyes, this means we are NOT doing “something” and we have to do “something”. So we pack up and go to the park to have a picnic, where l proceed to do exactly the same – l laid on my picnic blanket the whole afternoon. Yet my wife now thinks we are doing ‘something”. Go figure.

Meet Joe Black
William has already posted about the exploits of Joe Black, but l just want to added my own comments. Joe now rides his bike to work everyday, so when he arrives at work, he is sweaty and smelly and doesn’t shower – just changes his clothes. I’m waiting for Joe to call the bicycle store to ask for a full refund anyday now. Joe also asked a female coworker to help him shop of lingerie – and she agreed (crazie bssh).

Iron Man and Wonder Woman sick?

We have two colleagues who never miss work: over the past 2 years, “Iron Man” and “Wonder Woman” have called in sick for work exactly zero times (at least that’s what l remember). Yet this past week, Iron Man called in sick on Monday and Wonder Woman on Tuesday.
What are the odds? That’s like being struck by lightining twice or winning the lottery twice. I think the SuperFriends had big party weekend at the Hall of Justice and they had one too many tequila shots.Favourite Words
Michael Cuss
Ball Sweat
Chesticles
Fat f**k
Mofo
Man boobs
Zhang!

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