Why 2011 Sucked Ass And Why I Am Glad It’s Behind Me

How I got my ass kicked

2011 kicked my ass.

Career wise: I got the job of my dreams … and lost it. This sucked for me the most and took me about 6 months to get over. The kicker is? My boss loved me, my team loved me, my bosses boss loved me and the project was so cutting edge and so amazing that it got ATTENTION from major corps …. but due to “budget cuts” the project I was working on got cut and I had to go back to my old job. Talking about it re-opens the wounds. SUCKS.

Health wise: Buddha had a lot of health issues this year. My poor baby. She had a severe asthma attack that landed her in the ER after a 911 call. She had pneumonia in November as well. How much can a 3 year old endure? A lot apparently because she is still bubbly and delicious to nibble on nom nom nom .
Little 7aki broke her arm IN THE SUMMER!!!! And I was just exhausted all the time due to the above points, and I cut my finger!!!!

SUCKS ASS.

Extended family wise: Lots of health issues, its part of getting older I guess and part of life but still SUCKS ASS.

Blog wise: WHAT BLOG? I neglected my blog and all the good stuff that comes with it, due to, HELLO, did you read the above!

We did go on nice trips tough and I did watch A LOT of amazing TV. I did join the gym and I did have fun with friends and I read a lot of GREAT books but in general the year was Meh, Blah and Gaaaaah.

2012… BEHAVE!

Just to Get Rid of the Picture, of the Finger, On the Home Page

Yeah, being at work and opening your blog and getting the finger, blog post below this one, is NOT a good idea,   HAHAHAHA.

So let me tell you how shitty it has been in the past few months:

- End of May baby Buddha had a very bad, and I am talking very bad respiratory distress emergency, asthma attack, at her daycare and she was barely breathing.

Daycare was HORRIBLE in handling the emergency; instead of calling 911 they waited for us to go pick her up and we are an hour drive away!  Luckily a relative lives close by and went to pick her up and as soon as she took one look at her she was shocked at her state. There is a clinic a hundred meters away and the stupid daycare sat there waiting for us to come save the day. The clinic saw her and called 911 immidiatly and she had to be taken to the hospital by an ambulance and I wasn’t there to go with her :( . Saying that the train ride home was the longest train ride IN MY LIFE is a understatement.

Some asthma medicine and oxygen fixed Buddha right up and she was fine but I was so stressed and crying the whole ride over.

So, due to the daycares complete and utter negligence we pulled her out that day and we didn’t look back.

They say bad things happen for good reasons and right now she is at the bestest daycare EVER. I am glad we moved her and I am so happy where she is right now. In a way her getting really sick allowed us to find her a much better place to thrive at.

Except it was real and much more less cute

- Not one month later, the FIRST day of summer vacation, little 7aki fell and fractured her arm, while we were at a beach resort none the less.

She had to have the cast on for four weeks. Nothing spells summer fun better than a broken arm!

She was a trooper though, the whole thing barely fazed her and she managed to have a fun summer.

Yup, it was her RIGHT arm that she uses for , you know, EVERYTHING

-  various colds and strep throats and eczema, yaaaaay, fun!

YAAAAAAAAY

- Then I cut my finger with a knife and had four stitches and also had the tetanus shot of death. My finger has not healed yet, yaaaaaay, fun!

I googled: Cut, finger, knife and ewwww the pictures were so gross. So I put a picture of a unicron.

Now that the summer of accidents is over and little 7aki is back to school I am looking forward to us having our boring old routine back.

That's me and my friends celebrating the end of the summer vacation.

YAY for back to school!!!!!

.

The Finger

Oh yes you guessed it. It IS this finger.

So on Saturday I managed to slice my finger and it hurts like a MOFO.

The cut was SO deep, I called out: “Babaaaa 7aaaki! I think my finger is cut really badly” He took one look at it and said: “Calm down” which made me automatically  freak out.  Baba 7aki wanted to administer some first aid so he gets a band-aid and a paper towel to wrap it , yeah, we need a first aid kit, and then he SQUEEZED MY FINGER, you don’t understand, the cut was REALLY deep, so I was like, what are you doing? he said, I am applying pressure to stop the bleeding, and he squeezed again, and then I started to see stars and almost fainted. The end.

No. Of course that’s not the end!  Baba 7aki was not allowed to touch my finger after that.

All this happened at 7 pm , we had people coming over for Iftar(dinner) at 8:30. We had food in the oven, buddha was sleeping and I did not want to wake Buddha so I drove myself to the clinic, oh yes I did, and waited for 2 hours to get seen and fixed up.

I have 4 stitches and I am MAD, because see, Monday was my first day off on a 10 day vacation and my MOFO finger needs to be wrapped for SEVEN days before I can go get my stitches taken out.

So for 5 days I can’t get it wet, meaning, HOW WILL I WASH MY HAIR????

Then 2 days I have to freak out every time someone touches my hand because I am removing the bandage.

Then on Sunday I go to get the stitches taken out which leaves me only 3 days of fun.

FML.

I Have EVIL in My House …

 

The DEVIL

… and it’s called Baby Alive Wet and Giggle.

The key word here is WET, she wets her diaper.

KILL ME NOW!!!

Little Buddha, who is almost 3, is OBSESSED with changing her diaper every 5 minutes, I am not exaggerating, we gave it to her , as an Eid present , on Tuesday at 9 and except for her 1.5 hour naps I , yes I, changed her diaper 1,038,754,572,384 times.

But see, this gift, although is evil, is a blessing in disguise; I am now SURE I do not want a third child.

Ahhhhh, that felt good LOL.

And the diapers are none reusable, WTF??? I now need to buy doll diapers???? Are you people on Crack??? So I am heading to the baby store in search of cloth diapers, for preemies, very green of me.

Sigh, what I do for my kids.

Overheard on Monday

7aki: I hate Monday.

Bob: Monday is an ass.

7aki: Eff Monday.

Bob: Monday should be shot.

7aki: Monday should be stabbed with a pencil.

Bob: I spit on Monday.

7aki: (Tottaly unbloggable, no seriously).

Bob: Monday is a whore ( HAHAHAHAHA, That’s too funny!).

7aki: You know who I want to stab? The music guy at Union station who plays the steel drum. ANNOYING.

Bob: I am sure the music guy wants to be stabbed.

7aki: I want to BOMB Monday. You know who else I want to stab? The weather guy, he said it’s going to be cold but it’s not and I have a light jacket on.

Bob: Monday traffic should be bleeeeep (totally unbloggable).

7aki: I just got into work and I want to stab (a co-worker who is annoying as hell, his indecision is just debilitating).

Bob: You’ll have to wait till 11 when he get’s in, lazy MOFO.

7aki: Monday is a bastard.

______________________________________________________________________

7aki note: My apologies to asses, whores and bastards, you are totally better than Mondays.

 

Urgent World Wide Search

I have lost something dear to me and I am announcing here on the internet in hopes that SOMEONE out there will find it.

I am so sad by this loss and honestly horrified at the idea of never finding it. Honestly I just want to cry right now.

When you have something that was with you since your teenage years and then suddenly you wake up one morning with no warning and it just …poof… disappears; it will mortify you.

Can you please help me by putting the word out there in hopes someone sees it?

I lost…

.

.

I lost …..

.

I lost my waist …. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

WTF waist? Where the eff did you go?  Seriously, this is NOT funny!

You think it’s sooooooooo funny that you just decided to just…DISAPPEAR!!!!!

Not cool and NOT FUNNY.

Is it the donuts that upset you? Those Tim Hortons Honey Crullers that I JUST discovered, seriously I have been in Canada for 10 years and I JUST discovered them, they are like a donut cloud that melts in your mouth. Is it because they are the most fattening donut Timmys has? IS IT? I will leave them if you promise to come back.

Or is it all those cotton candy I am having that they JUST STARTED selling at the store IN A BUCKET!!! Yes IN A BUCKET. Ahhhh, now that is just amazing.  IS IT? For you I will abandon them.

Or, or , please don’t say its the Chilli fries that I LOVE, please don’t let me leave them.. PLEAAAAAAAASE.  Are they? I will also leave them to win you back.

Waist, I miss you.

Do you know what happened since you left? I now sometimes have a little teeeeeeny tiny muffin top. WAAAAAAH.

Please come back (name that song).

Love you,

7aki’s muffin top.

PS:  They say the best part of the muffin is the top so if you decide not to come back then, psshhhhh, WHO NEEDS YOU.

PPS: Also, it seems my butt has transferred to my muffin top too, waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

PPPS: NOT FUNNY!!!!!

Things That Irk Me

I needed a snack so I reached into my goodies kitchen cabinet (yes I have one and it’s spilling with stuff) and I got a bag of chips, I opened it and BAM! A post was inspired.

I will list things, despite their insignificance, that irk me:

1) Why are bags of chips big and when you open them they are half full? I know I know you need the air so they won’t crumble but honestly, the amount of chips in these bags is sooo measly that it PISSES ME OFF.

2)Me being pissed of at point number 1. Stan, why are you so mad (name that song)

3) People.

4) People who step off the escalator and stand on the top like idiots. MOVE AWAY BITCHES!

5) Empty milk carton in the fridge, oh the RAGE.

6) Did I say people?

7) High heal shoes that look amazing but mangle your feet, I mean they make you look sexy and 10 feet tall but as soon as you take them off your feet look like ASS.

8.) Speaking of ass, I need to go to the gym, so what irks me is that I CAN’T go to the gym at a reasonable time! It has to be so effing early or soo effing late. Kids, don’t have them!

9) Not winning the lottery.

10) TV shows that have like 3 weeks of breaks between episodes, seriously? YOU SUCK.

And that concludes the rant of the day.

To the one reader that reads this blog *waves hand* what irks you?

 

Ploopy… Pass It On

OH EM GEE it’s May already!

How does time fly like that?

Why has 7aki not been blogging a lot? It’s because life has been bitch slapping 7aki, that’s why.

And 7aki feels that she is bored too and in a totally UN-funny mood for the past 6 months.

So what has been happening?

Kids, work, life.

Also.

7aki turned 35 in March THAT’S WHAT.

7aki blames it all on turning 35. YIKES.

Why am I talking in the third person? LOL.

I am now closer to 40 than I was to 30 and this just sucks ASS. It really does.

I don’t care that 40 is the new 30 blah blah blah I feel different. I feel , what’s the right word here … ploopy … a word I read in one of Little 7aki’s books (name that book), I have no clue what it means but it kind of expresses how I feel.

I feel ploopy.

On another note, do you know the game pass it on? (in Arabic: iltilephone ilkharban) little 7aki comes to me while we are sitting in a group and whispers in my ear: “Ploopy, pass it on” and it CRACKS ME UP EVERY TIME. We now do it with all sorts of things, if she wants to say something she does not want people to hear she whispers it in my ear, says pass it on, and giggles and after that I am a heap on the floor laughing.

It all started with Shaboobs, pass it on, which is another story for another time.

Shaboobs? AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. So funny. I write it here because I want to remember it when little 7aki is older. It’s a story about The bachelor, a girl called Chantal and her big assets. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Google it.

 

The Reason Behind the Series Of Unfortunate Events

It was indeed PROVEN, with not a shadow of a doubt that all the trouble coming lately into my life is from the Evil eye .

It’s an eye I thought was the eye of a friend, but no, this eye turned out to be the eye of EVIL.

I from now on will call that person the Evil eye.

And believe it or not it is the eye of Bob. Are you shocked? I am beyond shocked! My foundations have been rocked.

Exhibit A: And I have all that in writing by the way.

Bob: I wish they have a lot of problems with your project so you can stay longer.

After my goodbye lunch , MY GOODBYE LUNCH, which HELLO, means GOODBYE, SEE YA, I get called to my managers office:

Manager: 7aki, we need you to stay on for an extra week.

At first I thought it was a coincidence, nah, Bob’s eye is a friend, it’s not Evil at all, so I shrug it off.

Exhibit B:

Bob: Oooooh,you’re so lucky you are working there, not like the hell hole I am in.

I get sick with a brain tumour , not really, but it felt like it.

I start to suspect Bob’s eye, but I again shrug it off.

Exhibit C:

I get called into my old job for a couple of days for consultation, what can I say, they love me there!

And Bob says: Ooooooh I am so excited.

At that point I wanted to punch Bob in the face, especially his eye.

But Alas; the final straw that PROVED beyond a reasonable doubt that Bobs eye is indeed Evil was yesterday which I was working from home.

Bob says, in email : I just went down for nice cold ice-cap with a shot of mocha! It is scorchin outside. Its nice you don’t have to commute.

Guess what happens? Not four hours after he sends his email, OUR AIR CONDITIONER BREAKS DOWN!!!!!!!

And quote” It is scorchin outside” end quote.

I rest my case.

And Bob is no longer my friend, especially his eye.

Rugsplosion?

So remember when I told you that Armageddon hit the 7aki household and everything turned into hell?

One of the things that happened was that the washing machine broke down and to continue a tradition of eggsplosion 1 and eggsplosion 2 baba 7aki decided to branch out a little into: Rugsplosion.

It was one beautiful cool summer night and Buddha might have, could have ,maybe, ate a little bit too much before going to bed because see, life to Buddha is a never-ending buffet; if there is food and she sees it, she is going to eat it.

So as we are putting her down in her crib to sleep we see the telltale signs of ” OMG RUN TO THE HILLS THE BABY IS GOING TO PUKE” she starts in the crib, we take her out and she continues to hurl on the bedroom carpet, maybe a little bit on the wall and finally on one of those really cute little circular Green Ikea rugs that have paw prints on them, awwwww.

Can't belive I found a picture of it online! It's like 6 years old. Paw prints, awwww

So this is the drill at the 7aki house hold if  Buddha or little 7aki pukes, I clean up the kid, bathe, change clothes and put them to sleep and baba 7aki cleans up … well…. everything else.

I just can’t do the cleaning, I would throw up right then and there, and instead of cleaning the baby’s vomit I have to clean up mine too.

Also I have to say Baba 7aki has built a system and he’s very efficient at it ( I don’t know why I giggle while I type this)  baba 7aki treats vomit cleaning very seriously, VERY SERIOUSLY.

Anyhoo, unbeknownst to me, baba 7aki dumps ALL the vomitty stuff in the washing machine INCLUDING that very cute, green, harmless rug, with the paw prints remember? awwwwww.

And then it explodes in the washing machine, all that is left of it is the mesh that holds the thread on the bottom. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now baba 7aki doesn’t confess to his crime and he removes the remains of the rug from the washing machine, mind you, not ALL the remains. Then he mentions it in passing, like nothing was wrong about what he did,  that, oh , by the way, there was a rugspolsion in the washing machine.

I GAPE AT HIM, wanted to yell WHAT????? Who in their RIGHT MIND WOULD PUT A RUG IN the WASHING MACHINE??? Instead I made fun of him, hahahaha.

Anyhoo, 2 days later I run a load of laundry and SURPRISE the washer doesn’t work .

Guess what he does? He blames me for breaking it down!!!! Why? Because I didn’t remove ALL the green remains from the machine. There was none by the way.

Men.

I Should have yelled at him when the rugsplosion happened

PS: We had a guy come in and unclog the green stuff from the wahser and we made fun of baba 7aki, teaches him to blame me for breaking the washer.

Is It the Evil Eye or The Begining of the END?

There was a series of unfortunate events that just bombarded me in the past 3 weeks. It’s like I had a lot of bad things piled up waiting to hit me and BOOM they came one after the other.

- Started my new job but not really because my old job begged to keep me on for an extra week (they can’t live without me, hehehhe). My old job was pretty stressful, I’m talking S.T.R.E.S.S.F.U.L so I couldn’t wait to get out so when they asked me to stay an extra week I died a little  inside.

- Started working on new job for one day then got into a 3 day heavy-duty technical course, AND I GOT A MIGRAINE THE SECOND DAY. It took me 2 days to recover from that. So imagine I am trying to be so technical like and get a lot of technical info WHILE HAVING A SPLITTING HEADACHE.

- after the course I worked at my new job for one day.

- Then I GET SOOOOOOOOO SICK I don’t work for a whole week ,tangent, Thanks to web MD who I will call WEB ASS from now on I thought I had a brain tumor and I was going to die young and leave my children motherless, word to the wise, don’t use Dr. Google, IT”S EVIL, end of tangent. So again I could not start the THE NEW JOB I was DYING TO START. People, DYING to start, you don’t understand, did you hear me, DYING TO START IT.

- I go to my new job for one day.

- I come home all excited because , yay, I feel better, I had neglected my kids and house for the week because I was sick so let me feel more productive and do a load of laundry, and the EFFING WASHING MACHINE BREAKS DOWN. It fills with water, soaks the clothes and then would not drain, so I am in a dilemma, I can’t open the door or the laundry room would flood, so I bite the bullet, got a bucket, opened the door, and emptied the washer WITH AN EFFING CUP. yes you heard me, a CUP. I bailed the water out of the front loading washer cup by painful cup.

To add insult to injury we had to take our laundry to the neighbours to wash.

- The next day my notebook at work gets hit by a virus, a nasty, EVIL virus, so YAAAAAAAAAAY

- That same day I am still not %100 so I sleep on the train on my way back home AND I MISS MY STOP!!!! I had to take a cab from the OTHER train station to where I had parked my car. At least the cabby was a brother so I wished him a Ramadan Mubarak.

- The next day I go to withdraw some cash from the bank machine and the machine denies the card and asks me to go contact my bank. WHAT? I JUST GOTS PAIDZ. Turnes out someone stole my card info ( not the actual card) made a fake card and went on a shopping spree in Montreal, 404 dollars before the bank clued in it was not me, so I had to go to the bank to cancel my bank card , issue a temp one, and they are launching and investigation to get ma money back. I WANTZ MAZ MONEYZ BACKZ. Did all that on my lunch break

- I go back to work and I find an email from my old boss asking me to go help them out on something I worked on A MONTH AGO.

- I go home and go out to exercise on my roller blades to blow off some steam and I wipe out ON THE ASPHALT, and OUCH my arm still hurts.

How much more can a person handle people?

I need a drink, or something more powerful, like horse tranquilizer, ahhahahhaha.

Anyhoo I hope that this string of bad luck is all behind me because, hey, I had a good day today!!!!!!! FINALLY.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

So you know why the washing machine broke? Stay tuned for the next post because you will pee your pants when you know why.

The Story of The MOFO BIB-BIB

MOFO BIB - BIB

Alright, so as I mentioned in my previous post, little Buddha is a liiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit diva-isk, she wants what she wants and she wants it NOOOOOOOWWWW.

It all started when we were on a mini two day vacation to a beach resort . And as you all know on a beach there must be sand, and because there was sand little 7aki had flip flops (we call them shib shib in Arabic)  with her, and guess who got attached to flip-flops? You guessed it, little buhdda, so she would fight with her sister all the time for them so I went and got her a pair and sure enough buddha took to them like white on rice. She would not take them off for anything. Wore them to the beach, on the deck, in the house, and if I would have let her she would have worn them IN BED.

Now, little buddha was only 22 months old and as we all know wearing flip flops takes some skill if you are a beginner, I mean you need to keep your toes pressed tight around the front piece thingy to keep them on; so suffice it to say although Buddha loved them so much she kept WHINING ABOUT HOW SHE CAN”T KEEP THEM ON.

She loved them so much she refused to wear ANYTHING else on her feet. I am talking try to put sandals on and you have a half hour battle ahead if you before you even get out the door. Every time we wanted to go out  she would start yelling. BIIIIIIIB BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB , BIIIIIIIB BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB .

So now picture  her bib bib s slipping off her feet EVERY FIVE EFFING MINUTES and I have to fix them because OMG her flip flops slipped off her feet, BIIIIIIB BIIIIIIIIIIIB, it must be a catastrophe. Lets all run to little buddha and fix her flip-flops because the world would end as we know it if we don’t help her.

After 2 days of EVERY WAKING MINUTE OF MY LIFE of her bib – bib slipping off I SNAPPED because they would slip off her feet and she would come to me to fix them with her most perfected whiny whimperish cry, that buddha is a pro, A PRO I TELL YA, if she entered a whiny-ness (is that a word?) competition she would win.

I snapped and I said mother effing flip flops. And people this is a momentous occasion, I NEVER swear in front of my kids EVER.

Baba 7aki was standing there , he looked at me, I looked at him,and then we were both on the floor laughing at the absurdity of the whole situation. I mean we are not talking Middle East peace here people, we are talking about keeping flip flops on a 22 month olds feet. FLIP FLOPS!!!!!

So now if baba 7aki and I find ourselves in a frustrating situation that we can’t help or control all we have to say to each other is MOFO bib-bib and we would be heaps on the floor laughing.

Luckily for little Buddha, and I mean luckily for her OWN WELL BEING, she perfected wearing the cursed bib bib.

Although I joke about this right now but I am telling you people flip-flops traumatize me to this day.

I AM TRAUMATIZED.

The Un-review: A Clockwork Orange

I have broken a record with this one.

This is the first time EVER in the history of MY LIFE that I read four pages of a book that:

- Was hailed as number 53 on the readers list and 63 on the boards list as one of the top 100 books of the century.

- I put on hold  at the library.

- Drove to said library and picked up.

- Read reviews about it and said, oh great, this is a Dystopia book just like “1984” and “Brave New World” and I LOVE Dystopia books!

After reading 4 said pages I abandoned the book.

The only way I can describe the book is that it’s like a Dr. Suess book but for adults, you know how Dr. Suess writes; he makes up a lot of words and names for fictional things in his books, but to Dr’s Suess’s credit the names are cute and they rhyme.

Not for “A Clockwork Orange“. The book used the fictional Nadsat slang that is based on the Russian language. So I did not understand ANYTHING while I was reading.

I don’t get how this book landed on the top 100 list! I understand the geniousness (is that a word?) of inventing a slang but COME ON!

Anyway, if you have read the book , tell me , did you like it? Because honestly I wanted to punch it in the face.

There is a movie version of the book so I am going to watch that because I would like to pretend that I am “a learned person”.

I just HOPE it’s in plain English because honestly, life is too short for this kind of stuff.

Click here for REAL book reviews.

Chipmunk or Hamster? Can’t Make Up My Mind.

On Tuesday I paid a nice visit to the torture chamber Oral surgeon and I got my wisdom tooth extracted.

Said tooth was sitting harmlessly in my mouth minding it’s own business and not causing any trouble, I just had to interfere in its harmlesness and get it out “just in case” it wanted to cause trouble later on.

Now I look like this

This is how I look like, but with less hair.

I am in pain. WHY DIDN’T I JUST LEAVE IT ALONE? I had to be all preventative and shiznet.

Throbbing pain alert!

Excuse me while I go self medicate.

Dentists and Hair Dressers: A Comparative Study

There are two chairs I don’t like to occupy; Dentists and Hair dressers.

They both manage to make me super self-conscious.

With Hair dressers my hair is never good enough, it’s either too dry, or it’s too oily, it is too long or too short, I either condition it too much or I don’t do it enough.

I mention what products I use and they gasp in horror. HOW COULD YOU USE this kind of gel/shampoo/conditioner, you are KILLING your HAIR. You must buy this $100 gel/shampoo/conditioner.

I leave the hair salon thinking I have the worst hair on the planet.  I am not worthy of having hair.

Same happens at the dentist office. No matter how nice my teeth are and the fact I never get cavities EVER is not good enough for them. I either don’t use enough mouth rinse or I use it too much, I can never seem to floss the proper way or enough times.And my gums, THE HORROR.

I mention what products I use and they gasp in horror. HOW COULD YOU USE this kind of  toothpaste/rinse/floss, you are KILLING your GUMS. You must buy this $100 toothpaste/rinse/floss.

I leave the dentist office  thinking I have the worst gums on the planet.  I am not worthy of having teeth.

Going to either feels like being in an abusive relationship, I am never good enough and I keep going back for more.

Are you in an abusive relationship?

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