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On Marriage and Freedom

A lot of people out there fear marriage or flat out hate it because they are afraid that they are going to lose their freedom.

But what is freedom?

Is it the freedom to do whatever you want whenver you want?

Is it the freedom of having the ability to be romantically involved with whomever you  want whenever you want?

Is it the freedom of having no responsibilities and only worrying about yourself?

I know a man in his mid forties who never got married by choice, he wanted to enjoy his freedom, and let me tell you I have never seen anyone sadder looking in my life. He has the cool car, the nice house the things most married people strive for but at the same time he has nothing, no wife no partner no kids no substance in his life, just decadence and he is very lonely, nothing means anything to him, he over dosed on freedom. 

He doesn’t say he is sad but when he holds my daughter I can see the sadness.

Bob Dylan and  Janice Joplin said it best, “When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.” and “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

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42 Responses

  1. I’ll tell you what is freedom…Freedom is to enjoy having a wife and a kid…a wife to love, to take care of, to be tender to her..a kid to raise, teach, accompany, adore etc but only WHEN you feel like it.

    But if I come back from home being in a bad mood and don’t feel like doing anything, then hiding my true feeling and faking a smile as not to make my loving wife and sweet kid feel the my misery is called “NOT freedom”

  2. Who knows what goes in someone’s head when they look back at the choices they made in their life…
    I feel sorry for your friend. I have two cousins like that, one slid into this depression, while the other is almost 60 and still going strong, he’s optimistic and still enjoying life!
    Either way, I personally, would not like to end up like that…
    However, I fear more of making the wrong choice than being alone

  3. But that doesn’t make married people happier!

    I’m single, loving it, and will never marry. I wanna go on partyin till the day I die

  4. Hamza, as a wife I would rather hear the misery and offer comfort (or give space) than be offered a fake smile. True freedom is being loved whether you are in a good mood or sad.

    Love is a verb, a choice to to do all those things whether you feel like it or not. It’s also called maturity. There may be days your wife doesn’t ‘feel’ like sex or cooking, so she can probably relate. You guys need to communicate.

    7aki, this is WONDERFUL. THANK YOU!

  5. Eish haaad, are u trying to change my mind? Ma biddi, this sucks, ma biddi atzawaj, eish malkum intoo kulkum 3alai, have u been talkin to my MOTHER?!?!

    Wait.

    The world does not revolve around me does it.

    Dammit.

  6. Freedom is to be married to four wives and having the freedom to be “tender” with any of them on any day 🙂

    Consequently, Freedom is to have 11 kids to form your own Soccer Team. If they fail, you can always have the Freedom to blame the technical team, AKA wives.

  7. I’m unmarried, and see little reason to do so:

    http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/the-myth-of-male-power/

    http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/a-case-against-marriage/

  8. It is sad to spend life alone and without something or someone to care for

  9. “he over dosed on freedom” I like this!
    The only thing I was afraid of was loosing the freedom of having no responsibilities…but to tell you the truth, this is what I really love about being married…being responsible for someone I love and care about 😀 I actually think I was selfish being afraid of this …Not anymore 😉

  10. One can care and be committed to another without being married. I should have added I have been coupled with my lover for 10 years and we look out for one another.

  11. If I learned one thing from my time with my aunt in Chicago it’s “don’t get married” . It would be that one or “all men are assholes” or as my aunt puts it “kulhum esshole”.

    On a more serious note, I feel like I could never get married until I’ve met a certain number of goals for myself or reached a certain point in life. At this point I just can’t have my schedule, decisions, priorities, etc be dependent on anyone else’s. So for me if I was married I wouldn’t have the proper “freedom” to acheive what I want to-so knowing myself I’d either make a bad wife/mother or I’d just be miserable and regretful and keep thinking about the “what ifs”.

    This is not to say that I want to be 60 and single, but for me personally I do believe there will be a correlation between marriage and loss of freedom that I need right now.

  12. I am a single mother and I’ve never felt more free in my entire life. Go figure. Freedom is a frame of mind whether you’re married or not.

  13. Hamza: If you pick your partner right Hamza you don’t have to act 🙂 . Just pick the right person.

    Qwaider: Even if you make the right choice you still could end up divorced for different reasons. Marriage and relationships are a gamble, if you never gamble you never win or lose.

    Off topic, your comments keep going to spam.

    Nice: Yes there are a lot of unhappy married people nobody can deny that.

    As for you wanting to party till the day you die, that’s cool too, you should do whatever makes you happy, I am just saying that being in a relationship or marriage fulfills something in your life.

    Kinzi: Hamza is not married, he is speaking hypothetically but what you said is right.
    I am glad you like the post.

    Hal: HAHAHAHAHA. Your mom and I are covertly working together to get you hitched.

    Mab3oos: You are nuts. Good luck with the football team 😛 .

    99pp: really good posts, I really enjoyed reading them.
    Well see but you are with someone that you care for whether you are married or not there is no difference, you have committed to someone for 10 years and that counts as marriage minus the paper work.
    I wish you and your partner all the happiness in the world 🙂 .

    Sel3: Yes being alone can be really sad.

    Nido: You know what Nido, some men make the responsibility fun 🙂 . I am sure your husband makes the whole thing enjoyable.
    And inshallah soon you’ll be also responsible for an extra little bundle 🙂 . Now that’s fun!

    Asoom: HAHAHAH your aunt, “kulhum esshole” cracked me up!

    I agree Asoom, marriage has to wait for certain things, I believe that a person needs to finish school and be established in a job or career because it adds to the maturity and only when people mature they know what they really want in life.
    And if you pick your partner right Asoom he might be supportive and share those experiences with you like Tinkerbellas husband 🙂 .
    But on the other hand some people marry really young and they are happy , so it all depends on the person.

    Misssinglemama: Yes freedom is a frame of mind. That’s why I think that people afraid of marriage and children should reconsider. Being married or having kids does not limit your freedom unless you are with a bad person.

  14. My above comment must have been edited. What the ???? Here’s what I originally said …

    I am a single mother and I’ve never felt more free in my entire life. Go figure. Freedom is a frame of mind whether you’re married or not

    If you are going to edit my comments, please don’t post them at all. Tks!

  15. Okay – I’m a total dork. Sorry … looked like that was my response. And yes, I completely agree with you. I’m actually writing about this topic right now, thanks to your inspiring post.

  16. msssinglemama: Hehehe. It’s alright 🙂

    I checked your blog by the way and it’s very good! My mom was and still is a single mom (well we are adults now) and she couldn’t be any happier 🙂 .

    Well I am glad I inspired you, I am going to check your blog later for the post.

  17. It’s up…read it and weep, you weird married people.

  18. 🙂 Hi, I am a weird married person! There are days I’m glad that I am, and days I wish I wasn’t. I have been a single parent, a married parent and have contemplated divorce at times because sometimes life is simpler when you don’t have to deal with the needs/actions/whatever of another adult in your home. It has all been part of the cycle of a longterm relationship.

    My partner and I have learned, over time, to respect each other’s freedom, while maintaning fidelity & friendship. Not easy, not for the fainthearted. The best description of what I have learned is this…..

    Khalil Gibran (excerpt from the Prophet) on Marriage….

    You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
    You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
    Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
    But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
    And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

    Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
    Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
    Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
    Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
    Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
    Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

    Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
    For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
    And stand together yet not too near together:
    For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
    And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

  19. Supportive is a MUST! Lots of people marry young and are happy but usually they’re not in the same boat as I am to begin with (or the female at least).

    Good point though and I agree that Tinkerbella is in a really good position with her situation 🙂

  20. People are afraid of commitment. They want to date whoever comes their way but not stay with them for more than a short time. They will lose the freedom do whatever they want whenever they want, because of the “obligations” they are then supposed to do — kids to watch over, be your love instead of going out to the club every night.

    Some women fear or hate marriage because of “Male domination” and “giving up their dreams and careers”.

    I swore I was going to be the single one for life — no family, no kids, all career and friends, live in an “urban tribe”. I am married, expecting our first kid, and plan to go into the barista/espresso biz and massage therapy rather than computers. Only because I realised that I only wanted to do computers to satisfy some other dudes’ desires.

  21. True. But the thing is finding the “right” partner is a really, really arduous task!

    I know many happy single people, though.

  22. freedom is one of those abstract words where each individual defines it on how they perceive the world!

    I believe marriage is a form of freedom from many things.

    I just have to come up with a solution on how to maintain my videogame addiction and explain it to my wife in such a way that I don’t admit I love games more than her!

  23. hmm … 7aki from what it seems you are simply saying that leading a selfish life where u live for numero uno only is a sorry way to live … well DUH !
    but on the other hand there are a lot of ways to have a purpose and care about others and not be lonely other than getting married, which is a good thing non the less. So it is just a matter of allowing others to be a part of your life whether its your own wife, kid, partner, room mate, family could be at a lot of levels really …
    So defining it in the either or frame is slightly limiting

    ENJOY!

  24. I don’t what freedom exaclty means because I haven’t lost it yet

  25. I love your post…marriage is a bliss!

  26. i loved this post! i usually laff at almost any and every entry here, but this one is.. gr8! i always had commitment issues and i thought i wanna acheive and i wanna do this and i wanna freakin do that! and i thought marriage wud strangle my dreams and aspiration. but u know what nothing can stop u from doing so! and i second summer on this one, marriage is a bliss!

  27. 7aki, most of the wives here in Amman take freedom from their husbands!
    Dont go There,,, Dont Do that!
    And trust me … Husbands nod their head…but do the stuff!

  28. mssinglemama: I checked it and left you a comment 😀 .

    euphonos: hehehe, welcome to the weirdo’s club.
    We live by this euphonos, my husband and I respect each others freedoms and space because it gets too much sometimes.
    I LOVE Gibrans poem, thank you sooo much for sharing!
    My favorite phrase
    “Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

    Asoom: 😀 .

    Jersey: I really can relate, I always told my friends I either will never get married or I will be the last one to get married because I thought marriage was evil and just ruins life from what I saw and experienced around me. But I was the first to get married, funny eh? You can’t help it when you meet the right person.
    Good luck with the baby, marriage will turn into a whole new game when you have a child.
    Word of advice once you have the baby, never turn help down from ANYONE, having a baby changes a lot of things but it’s the most amazing thing in the world.

    Saned: Finding the right person begins with luck and continues to be good with hard work 🙂 .

    KJ: Well you have to find yourself a gamer too KJ 🙂 , that is the only way you can continue your addiction. The wife that hates games will turn your life into hell, LOL.
    Funny when we bought our first gaming system (PS2 I got for husband for our first year anniversary) I played on it more than husband and I kicked his ass, HAHAHAHA. He wasn’t very happy about that.
    Then last year for our 6th anniversary I got him the PS3, but I don’t play at all now, little 7aki keeps wanting attention, like, what’s up with that??? LOL

    Bambam: hehehe, smart ass 😛
    See yes I agree that you can care for others but realties of life, those others move on in life , get married, leave the country etc, etc, but your partner sticks around hopefully.

    But I do agree, defining it in the either or frame is limiting

    Hareega: LOL. Tab did you clean the sy7lieh from under your couch? AHAHAHAAHAHA.

    Summer: thanks Summer 😀 .

    VA: Funny thing is when I was younger I didn’t think about the marriage as being limiting or freedom less since around me there were no married people at all so nobody complaining about kids or how they lost their hopes and dreams. I was surrounded by failed marriages so I naturally had a fear of marriage failure more than anything.
    Glad you liked the post

    Maher: I really don’t know how to answer, LOL.
    What is the STUFF that they do anyway?

  29. I don’t get it. Someone please explain to me why this particular post has generated so many comments.

  30. HAHAHAHA Bob, you are just jealous cos my posts are more popular than yours.

    Beats me Bob, beats me. Sometimes I am very surprised to why certain posts are popular.

  31. LOL @ Bob 🙂
    And 7aki and asoom, if you are going to talk about me, at least invite me to the party 😛

    but thanks both of you for that, I kinda needed to be reminded that I am married to a nice guy after all. 😉

    seriously though, it was a nice post. You are right, I spent my whole life saying how I would never be married cuz I never wanted to give up my freedom… and like u 7aki, I always expected that *if* I got married, I would be the last one, but I was the second out of all my friends, and i was married soooo young… sinply because I met The One, who did not take away any of the freedom I was so desperately longing for.

    I agree that marriage is bliss.. if you can find the right person!

  32. You got a PS3 for your hubby?

    Um…

    Have you ever considered marrying someone online halfway across the world 😀

    Your hubby doesn’t have to know and I can be Moogle whenever he suspects something

  33. I agree 7aki, life isn’t nice without a partner.

    You got to convince that man to change his mind 🙂

  34. You know..strip club and stuff loool not jk

    For example : my mom doesnt like my father to go to his friend’s house…because his friends smokes there..and thus he smokes with them..

    but i spotted my father’s car a couple of time there and i blackmail him about telling my mom that he was there!
    YES i DO!

    Where the hell i am going to get a valantine gift then? 😛

  35. Your friend ain’t sad, not with that kind of good life…he just needs his instinct parenting thing at his age fulfilled thats all.

    When you see em next time tell em I’m up for adoption, so is my father.

  36. tinkerbella, we always talk about you 😉

    KJ, that’s it’ we’re officially divorced!

  37. I know one thing: No one wants to be alone even the ones who are always preaching about freedom. In my opinion, marriage and commitment are another form of freedom 🙂

  38. I am single and happily so, it doesnt mean I woudlnt want to be with someone but I guess and this is something I talk about oftern some people are meant to be in relationships and thrive on them others are not and thrive on being single. (here are a couple of posts on the topic:
    Single and Fabulous
    http://shalabieh.wordpress.com/2008/01/06/single-and-faboulous/

    Tarnib vs Tricks
    http://shalabieh.wordpress.com/2007/10/30/tarnib-vs-tricks/

    I think Ghandi summed it up well when he spoke about freedom “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes”

    Just like you have the freedom to make the choice to be part of a family others have the freedom to make the opposite choice. What may be sad to you may be great to others and vice versa.

    I just wish married people will stop looking at singles as if they are sad creatures who can only be happy with a partner. There are other joys to life and it is a choice. Your single friend may want to settle down but cant find the right partner, why should he settle? Should he replace one sadness with another if the choice is wrong?

  39. BTW- I forgot to mention that it seems you have a wonderful family and you are happy in you union… mashallah I hope that is always the case for you 🙂

  40. Happiness is a relative term….It is better to be alone than being with the wrong company. You raise a one-million dollar question with no one answer to claim the prize. Very interesting. Thanks.

  41. Tinker: yeah we always talk about you, hehehehe.

    KJ: HAHAHAHA. Sorry I don’t believe in polygamy. And look what you did, Asoom just divorced you so now you are on your own, lol.

    Observer: Well he’s been trying to get married but since he is older and set in his ways it’s harder to find someone.

    Maher: HAHAHAHAHA. It seems that everybody loses in this situation but you, LOL.

    Asoom: LOL, OH BOY KJ you are in trouble.

    Hala: I can’t disagree with that.

    Shalabieh: I read your posts, you have a nice blog.

    Well the man was sad because he didn’t have a child of his own.
    As for settling, you are right, but in this guys case he didn’t even think marriage at all , EVER and now he regrets it.

    Thanks for the sweet wishes 🙂 .

    Tallouza: you are very right, everything is relative. This question truly has no one right answer, it’s like one of those trick multiple questions where you check all of the above.

  42. i’m new yo blogs and blogging and i reachedyour blog and read this , which is totally hits on my nerve personally i think marriage an partnership are not something you need to do in life … it;s a requirement and as you said about this guy nothing in this world can make a person happier than seeing someone next to him as to love him as he grows older in life.

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