How to Prepare For Judgment Day May 21, 2011

So tomorrow is the end of the world as we know it, well according to Harold Camping anyways, so this post is a “how to” get ready for judgment day.

-If you are a believer, and only a believer in the religions that say there is a judgment day, build yourself a hammock, relax, make yourself a cocktail and enjoy the show because, hey, you are going to heaven!

– If you are a believer in other religions that do not, per say, endorse the apocalypse rest assured; believing in something might score you some points and you might end up OK after all so maybe you should not build a hammock right away; you should run to the nearest worship temple and pray. Then build a hammock and make yourself a drink.

– Now if you are an Atheist, Agnostic or an unbeliever then I am sorry my friend you are SOL. But do not fear, there are options: you can either rescue a pet  ( hey if the prediction does NOT come true then you would have made some money! BWAHAHAHAHA).  Or maybe go to a rapture day  party because hey, if the prediction DOES come true you might as well have fun before going to hell since you are going there ANYWAY, HA!

In all cases, whatever you are;  the only downside to judgment day not happening  is that you are going to be nursing one helluva hangover.

 

Is It the Evil Eye or The Begining of the END?

There was a series of unfortunate events that just bombarded me in the past 3 weeks. It’s like I had a lot of bad things piled up waiting to hit me and BOOM they came one after the other.

– Started my new job but not really because my old job begged to keep me on for an extra week (they can’t live without me, hehehhe). My old job was pretty stressful, I’m talking S.T.R.E.S.S.F.U.L so I couldn’t wait to get out so when they asked me to stay an extra week I died a little  inside.

– Started working on new job for one day then got into a 3 day heavy-duty technical course, AND I GOT A MIGRAINE THE SECOND DAY. It took me 2 days to recover from that. So imagine I am trying to be so technical like and get a lot of technical info WHILE HAVING A SPLITTING HEADACHE.

– after the course I worked at my new job for one day.

– Then I GET SOOOOOOOOO SICK I don’t work for a whole week ,tangent, Thanks to web MD who I will call WEB ASS from now on I thought I had a brain tumor and I was going to die young and leave my children motherless, word to the wise, don’t use Dr. Google, IT”S EVIL, end of tangent. So again I could not start the THE NEW JOB I was DYING TO START. People, DYING to start, you don’t understand, did you hear me, DYING TO START IT.

– I go to my new job for one day.

– I come home all excited because , yay, I feel better, I had neglected my kids and house for the week because I was sick so let me feel more productive and do a load of laundry, and the EFFING WASHING MACHINE BREAKS DOWN. It fills with water, soaks the clothes and then would not drain, so I am in a dilemma, I can’t open the door or the laundry room would flood, so I bite the bullet, got a bucket, opened the door, and emptied the washer WITH AN EFFING CUP. yes you heard me, a CUP. I bailed the water out of the front loading washer cup by painful cup.

To add insult to injury we had to take our laundry to the neighbours to wash.

– The next day my notebook at work gets hit by a virus, a nasty, EVIL virus, so YAAAAAAAAAAY

– That same day I am still not %100 so I sleep on the train on my way back home AND I MISS MY STOP!!!! I had to take a cab from the OTHER train station to where I had parked my car. At least the cabby was a brother so I wished him a Ramadan Mubarak.

– The next day I go to withdraw some cash from the bank machine and the machine denies the card and asks me to go contact my bank. WHAT? I JUST GOTS PAIDZ. Turnes out someone stole my card info ( not the actual card) made a fake card and went on a shopping spree in Montreal, 404 dollars before the bank clued in it was not me, so I had to go to the bank to cancel my bank card , issue a temp one, and they are launching and investigation to get ma money back. I WANTZ MAZ MONEYZ BACKZ. Did all that on my lunch break

– I go back to work and I find an email from my old boss asking me to go help them out on something I worked on A MONTH AGO.

– I go home and go out to exercise on my roller blades to blow off some steam and I wipe out ON THE ASPHALT, and OUCH my arm still hurts.

How much more can a person handle people?

I need a drink, or something more powerful, like horse tranquilizer, ahhahahhaha.

Anyhoo I hope that this string of bad luck is all behind me because, hey, I had a good day today!!!!!!! FINALLY.

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So you know why the washing machine broke? Stay tuned for the next post because you will pee your pants when you know why.

An “I Wish The Earth Could Open and Swallow Me” Moment

I really wished that would happen, I was even imagining it: Maybe I can melt? Maybe I can become invisible? It was an OMG I wish the earth would just open , right here, right now and swallow me moment.

Little 7aki is turning five soon , oh how time flies, so we are busy setting up her Birthday party, who’s invited, where to do it, what cake to get, etc.

So because I hate it when kids feel left out if part of the class gets invited and the other part doesn’t and they start saying I am invited and you are not blah blah blah I made the decision to invite her whole class, but to keep the numbers in check I didn’t invite the kids that go to school on the days little 7aki is home. You see, she goes to school part time and some of the part timers go on the day’s she’s home.

Anyway, today I went to pick her up later than I would usually do and as we were standing by her school gym it went down like this:

Little 7aki speaking to a kids Mom (Oh yes you guessed it, one of the kids who were not invited) : Hi kid, Hi kids Mom, Kiiiiiiiiiiid, I have a Birthday party and you are NOT invited, yes my Mom said so, you are NOT invited.

And she runs along leaving me standing next to the kids mom.

Me: Heheheh, ahem, hahaha, hoohoohoohoo. ( OMG KILL ME NOW I WANT MY LIFE TO END RIGHT NOW)

I can’t even remember what I said to the mom, it was all a blur, I was sooooo embarrassed. Of all the kids and of all the Moms why did we have to run into her? I have NOT seen her in the hallway for like 6 months!!!

So anyway we go to the car and I tell little 7aki:

Me: Why did you say that to the kid and his mom? Why did you tell him he was not invited to your party?

Little 7aki (very matter of fact) : Well he isn’t invited to my party.

Me: But you shouldn’t tell him that, you might hurt his feelings. How would you feel if someone told you that you are not invited to their party? I am sure you would feel hurt wouldn’t you.

Little 7aki: Yes I would feel hurt but he might not feel hurt, we are different people right?

Well she could not understand why she should not tell him that because, after all, she said the truth, he is not invited so she had to tell him, what’s the big deal Moooooooooooooom. LOL.

Sigh.

The End

PS: Peanut has fat cheeks.

PPS: Seriously they are HUGE.

PPPS: She is going to be 7 months in a couple of days , YIKES, that means 5 months and I go to work. Did I say YIKES?

What a Great Loss. Tim Russert Passes Away

Today Tim Russert passed away and I am so sad . He was a great journalist.

May his soul rest in peace.

Kill me now or I’ll murder someone!!!!!! (Warning: Mature language)

There’s this lady at work who SINGS OUT LOUD with the fucking radio, could you for Fucks sake shut the Fuck up!!!!!

 I am raging right now, LOL, for real, she is soooooooooooo annyoing God help me, if I go postal I swear to God I am heading to her cubicle right away then I will shoot myself after.

 And by the way, she’s like at least , what? a 100 feet away? (William and Bob, is it 100?) and I can still fucking hear her.

 I HATE PEOPLE.

You blow it and you die

Little 7aki opened the garage door looked at her dad and said : Baba, I want to stay outside with you.

Baba 7aki who was smoking outside: No no sweetie go inside.

Little 7aki: Don’t smoke.

Baba 7aki: …. (silence).

Little 7aki: I hate smoking, throw it away.

Baba 7aki: Go inside sweetie go inside

Little 7aki: You blow it and you die. I hate it, don’t ever smoke again!

Me: Come on sweetie lets go inside.

Little 7aki when we were inside: Is Baba going to die?

My daughter is very inquisitive about death and dying and health in general.

She asks me: Where are Cinderella’s Mom and Dad, where are Snow whites parents? Did they die? Where do they go when they die?

I tell her they go to heaven because honestly, this is the easiest thing I can tell her. So one time there was a cartoon and a dinosaur died in it and she asked me: Where does the dinosaur go when it dies? I told her that it goes to heaven and she looked alarmed and said: but Cinderella’s Mommy is in heaven and the dinosaur will eat her ! So I told her that most probably there is a heaven for people and a heaven for animals.

Then she once asked me: Why do people die? Why did your Daddy die?

I told her that when people are old and when people are not healthy they die and that my fathers heart was sick.

The first question she asked me was: Are you and Baba old?

She broke my heart.

Then she asked me: Are you and Baba healthy? Is Baba’s heart sick?

I explained that yes we are healthy and we eat good food and we eat our vegetables and we eat no fat that’s why our heart is healthy. And she said , yes Baba is healthy and I am healthy right? My heart is healthy because I don’t eat fat right? I said right.

The first time Little 7aki learned about smoking is in one of the older cartoon movies (101 Dalmatians) Cruela Davil was smoking (In old movies almost all villains smoked!) and she asked me, what is this coming out of her mouth, I said, smoke, she is smoking and smoking is very very bad for you and it is not healthy then she said: But Baba smokes. And that’s when she started noticing her dad smoking .

So she knows smoking is not healthy and she cannot get over the fact that her dad smokes and she hates it and is vocal to her dad about it.

Even now when I ask her: Where is your dad she says: He’s outside. I ask her what is he doing outside she says: He is smoking . I hate smoking right mama? It’s not good.

No, It’s not good at all my little philosopher.

Oh, those Russians!

(A contribution by William) 

To continue with 7aki’s theme of “work colleagues from hell”, I want to tell you about another of our co-workers.

Have you ever worked with a “computer expert” who really shouldn’t be allowed near computers? That’s this guy!

If there a process to be run, he will run the wrong version. If there is a report to be run, he will use the wrong database. If there is computer fix to be tested, he will use the live (i.e. non-test, real data) environment. He has managed to destroy two laptops (by spilling drinks, dropping them, etc.), and has been known to forget to bring his computer to work. His whole job revolves around his computer, and he can’t be bothered to bring it with him?!

His crowning achievement was last week, when he took it upon himself to test a trial version of a software program that is integral to our computer system. He not only used the live environment and overwrite the existing software, he cancelled the process half-way through (leaving us with neither version), and it looked like we had lost a substantial amount of client data.

But here’s the amazing part: his boss always covers for him! In fact, with last week’s debacle, he ended up working (from home) until 1:30am to fix the problem he caused, and his boss sent out an e-mail to the rest of the office commending him for his efforts!

Bob has a theory about all of this: he had originally given him the nickname “Joe Black” because he is like death to any computer system or program he touches. (In the film “Meet Joe Black”, Death took human form and used that name.) Maybe he REALLY IS Death, and is holding the boss’ family hostage for as long as he covers for Death’s mistakes. It is the only explanation we can come up with; maybe you readers have other theories?

By the way: It is too bad for 7aki that our Joe Black in no way resembles the movie version (i.e. Brad Pitt). Ours has questionable personal hygiene and a habit of standing uncomfortably close to her when she is seated at her desk, such that his crotch is in close proximity to her face . . . BLAUGH! . . . sorry, I just had to be ill for a moment.

I don't care WHO you are: if you put your crotch anywhere NEAR my face, you're going to have to adopt if you ever want children!